I remember the day we got married. I was beautiful, dressed in white. My gorgeous groom standing at the end of the aisle. Our forever waiting on the other side of 'I Do'. I didn't even hesitate. I was never more sure of anything in my life. This man was for me. Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending. I blinked. I'm in a courtroom with that same man, before a magistrate. The best thing we ever did, standing between us, tiny hands tucked into ours, as we dissolve our family. I regret more than anything that I didn't think ahead and get a sitter. Instead, I let my daughter witness the destruction I was trying to protect her from. I waited until I was alone, then I cried for my daughter. For the consequences my choices would have on her life. For how my decision would shape her as a person. For the family I ripped from her.
Divorce is heavy. It affects my children, my witness, my family and friends. It even affects my relationship with God.
When we do something that we feel is going against God, it makes us want to distance ourselves. Hide. The only one who can heal our hearts, is the one we hide our hearts from. We tell ourselves we don't deserve grace, so we refuse to accept it. We tuck ourselves into the deep dark and wonder how God could possibly want us now. As much as we say you can't earn God's love, we still try, and when we fall short,(because we always will) we think He's just waiting to cast us from His presence. In reality, we are the ones who walk away from Him.
I did this. I still went to church, still put a smile on my face. I still worshipped, and was still in my bible. This looks great for anyone watching me. Inside I was shattered. I was barely holding it together. Going through the motions and swallowing any tears that threatened to break free. I wear the humiliation everywhere I go. I know there are whispers. I know that I have more people judging me, than praying for me. I know there's a lot of blame in my direction. I know there are people who were mad I wasn't asked to leave my church.
Jesus said to her, "I who speak to you am he."
The disciples tell us that Jesus is the Messiah, but it's not until now that Jesus outright tells someone that He is the Messiah. He doesn't tell his mother. He doesn't tell his disciples who are the closest people to him. He doesn't tell the religious leaders. He tells this sinful Samaritan woman who didn't even deserve his attention. He saw her worth. Even when her people didn't. Even when she didn't.
He does the same for us today. He meets us where we are at, gently exposes our sin, offers us salvation, and reveals Himself to us. Even when we don't deserve it. I know I don't deserve it.
Its been really hard trying to accept that I'm still worth something to God. Recently I bought Arilyn a new children's book. It's called How Much Is a Little Girl Worth? By Rachael Denhollander. It's a beautiful book. God used it to speak to my heart, so I will end this one with Rachael's words.
Your value is found not in what you can do
Or the things you accomplish and win
It is found in how you were made, precious girl--
Created and cherished by Him.
Your worth cannot fade; it will not go away,
It is not changed a bit by what happens today.
No one and nothing can make you worth less.
Just what is your value? You don't have to guess.
No one has power to change what God's done,
And He says you're worth everything, even His Son.
Divorce is heavy. It affects my children, my witness, my family and friends. It even affects my relationship with God.
When we do something that we feel is going against God, it makes us want to distance ourselves. Hide. The only one who can heal our hearts, is the one we hide our hearts from. We tell ourselves we don't deserve grace, so we refuse to accept it. We tuck ourselves into the deep dark and wonder how God could possibly want us now. As much as we say you can't earn God's love, we still try, and when we fall short,(because we always will) we think He's just waiting to cast us from His presence. In reality, we are the ones who walk away from Him.
I did this. I still went to church, still put a smile on my face. I still worshipped, and was still in my bible. This looks great for anyone watching me. Inside I was shattered. I was barely holding it together. Going through the motions and swallowing any tears that threatened to break free. I wear the humiliation everywhere I go. I know there are whispers. I know that I have more people judging me, than praying for me. I know there's a lot of blame in my direction. I know there are people who were mad I wasn't asked to leave my church.
John 4. Everyone knows the story of the woman at the well, but we aren't given her name. I think this is because she could be any one of us. When I was reading I caught something I never noticed before. I love how God does that. You can read the Bible over and over for the rest of your life, and He will give you something new every single time. He gives you what you need when you need it.
John 4:25-26 The woman said to him, "I know that Messiah is coming, He who is called Christ. When he comes, he will tell us all things."Jesus said to her, "I who speak to you am he."
The disciples tell us that Jesus is the Messiah, but it's not until now that Jesus outright tells someone that He is the Messiah. He doesn't tell his mother. He doesn't tell his disciples who are the closest people to him. He doesn't tell the religious leaders. He tells this sinful Samaritan woman who didn't even deserve his attention. He saw her worth. Even when her people didn't. Even when she didn't.
He does the same for us today. He meets us where we are at, gently exposes our sin, offers us salvation, and reveals Himself to us. Even when we don't deserve it. I know I don't deserve it.
Its been really hard trying to accept that I'm still worth something to God. Recently I bought Arilyn a new children's book. It's called How Much Is a Little Girl Worth? By Rachael Denhollander. It's a beautiful book. God used it to speak to my heart, so I will end this one with Rachael's words.
Your value is found not in what you can do
Or the things you accomplish and win
It is found in how you were made, precious girl--
Created and cherished by Him.
Your worth cannot fade; it will not go away,
It is not changed a bit by what happens today.
No one and nothing can make you worth less.
Just what is your value? You don't have to guess.
No one has power to change what God's done,
And He says you're worth everything, even His Son.
Comments
Post a Comment