Two of my guilty pleasures, were cigarettes and murder mysteries. They were two of my favorite things. The murder mystery love went as far as I can remember. I read goosebumps as a kid, then graduated to fear street. One day in high school, our teacher gave us a Mary Higgins Clark book to read. I was hooked. I loved them, I read all of her books. Then I moved on to a new author, and then another, and then another. Until somewhere along the way it took a very dark turn. I was reading a particularly dark set of novels. Morbid and sexually deviant. I felt a little twinge of disgust, but I sure did love a good murder mystery, so I pushed through. That's what I did when I was disgusted with my own behavior. I pushed through until I was completely desensitized to what I was doing. It was easy to rationalize too. It was fake after all.
I was also watching many shows on murder. My favorite was a show called snapped. If you don't know what this is, it's a show about women killing their husbands/boyfriends. Guys, I went to sleep to this show (yes my husband was uneasy about how calming this show was for me.) This was not abnormal to me. I mean, I'd been watching and reading this kind of stuff since I was a kid. Then God intervened with a well-known bible verse. Philippians 4:8 says Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Now listen, I loved these books. If you know me, you know reading is one of my very favorite things to do. And murder mysteries were the ultimate self-indulgence for me. I never could give them up. It was like giving a part of myself up. I could tell you that I dug deep and found the strength to walk away from all of that, but that's not what happened. What did happen was a complete miracle of the heart that had absolutely nothing to do with me. I had an entire book shelf full and was on the hunt for a new book to start, but for some reason, I had no interest in any of my little books of bliss. I didn't accept this at all, and I picked up a murder mystery anyway. I started the first page, thinking I just had to push through like always. I never even made it to the end of that chapter. God flipped a switch in me. Just like that. I took all of my books to the half priced book store, and never looked back. That was well over a year ago now. I haven't felt the need at all to read a morbid book, or to even watch a show on murder. No more snapped, or ID discovery for me. It's not fascinating anymore. It's sad because I see it for what it is. People are dying. I made every justification for it too, but in the end, it wasn't pure, it wasn't noble, or right, or admirable. It was sin and sadness. Our amazing God just took it from me.
I wish I could say He worked the same in the cigarettes. I smoked since I was 15. I had a boyfriend who smoked. I was always known as a goody two shoes, and peer pressure is real. I thought if I didn't smoke, he wouldn't take me seriously. I was young, and obviously not that bright. I smoked long after we broke up, long after I should have. I quit a couple times, but never for long. It ruined so much for me. I had to hide it from people because I was ashamed. I couldn't really enjoy anything because I needed to leave after an hour and smoke. It was actually giving me heart flutters, which was scary. The two worst things about it, was my children watching me smoke, and that I felt like it was keeping me from God. No matter how much I read my bible, prayed, or went to church, I always felt like God was out of my reach because of this sin that I held onto. And still I thought I enjoyed it!
One day I was feeling particularly bad about my smoking, not knowing what else to do, I started scouring the internet for ways to quit. I tried switching to vaping, didn't work. I tried cold turkey, definitely didn't work. On that day, I instantly came across a book. I had never heard of it, but it was called the easy way to stop smoking, by Allen Carr. It was about eleven bucks on amazon, which I wasn't willing to pay. I rented it from the local library instead. And read it in about 3 hours. Now, the point of this book, is to give you truth about smoking. You can smoke while you read it, and at the end, you smoke your last cigarette. Which I did. Until the morning. Then I smoked another cigarette. I still remember driving down the road in the rain, with my window down, cigarette in my hand, and tears down my face. I called their help line. The lady laughed at me when I told her I'd read the book in 3 hours. She said I needed to read it slower. Let it sink in. Okay lady. I hung up the phone and finished my cigarette. I decided I'd read the book again. After all, what did I have to lose? About two days later, I was at a funeral home to say goodbye to a very sweet guy. I'm not real clear on the details. Just know he went into cardiac arrest. What I do know is that he was my age, and a smoker. I smoked as I left the funeral home. I went home. I prayed about reading the book again. Please God, let it work this time. Free me from this. I can't do it. YOU can. I went and took a nap. When I woke up, something strange happened. I didn't pick up a cigarette. What's more, it didn't kill me to NOT pick up the cigarette. How weird of a feeling is this?! The rest of the day, I was amazed at how little I wanted to smoke. The next day was the same. I barely thought about it. I was getting excited now! I never made it this far! On day three, something happened. I can't remember now what, but I wanted a cigarette at some point during the day. I just went into my room, turned the lights off. Prayed, and stayed there for about five minutes. When I walked back out of the bedroom, that was it. I never felt another urge. I went to work without having to take my cigarettes. If you're a smoker, you know this is the scariest thing, to leave the house with no cigarettes. I did it, and when I came home to where the cigarettes were waiting for me, I didn't even say hello. It's been months now, and I can't believe that God freed me from that sin. And he used my love of reading to do it. It's still a miracle. I smoked for 17 years. That's more than half my life.
The two things I really thought I enjoyed, were actually keeping me from God. Now that I have escaped them, I see them clearly. On the days I'm feeling unsure of what God is doing in my life, I think back to cigarettes and murder, and smile.
I was also watching many shows on murder. My favorite was a show called snapped. If you don't know what this is, it's a show about women killing their husbands/boyfriends. Guys, I went to sleep to this show (yes my husband was uneasy about how calming this show was for me.) This was not abnormal to me. I mean, I'd been watching and reading this kind of stuff since I was a kid. Then God intervened with a well-known bible verse. Philippians 4:8 says Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Now listen, I loved these books. If you know me, you know reading is one of my very favorite things to do. And murder mysteries were the ultimate self-indulgence for me. I never could give them up. It was like giving a part of myself up. I could tell you that I dug deep and found the strength to walk away from all of that, but that's not what happened. What did happen was a complete miracle of the heart that had absolutely nothing to do with me. I had an entire book shelf full and was on the hunt for a new book to start, but for some reason, I had no interest in any of my little books of bliss. I didn't accept this at all, and I picked up a murder mystery anyway. I started the first page, thinking I just had to push through like always. I never even made it to the end of that chapter. God flipped a switch in me. Just like that. I took all of my books to the half priced book store, and never looked back. That was well over a year ago now. I haven't felt the need at all to read a morbid book, or to even watch a show on murder. No more snapped, or ID discovery for me. It's not fascinating anymore. It's sad because I see it for what it is. People are dying. I made every justification for it too, but in the end, it wasn't pure, it wasn't noble, or right, or admirable. It was sin and sadness. Our amazing God just took it from me.
I wish I could say He worked the same in the cigarettes. I smoked since I was 15. I had a boyfriend who smoked. I was always known as a goody two shoes, and peer pressure is real. I thought if I didn't smoke, he wouldn't take me seriously. I was young, and obviously not that bright. I smoked long after we broke up, long after I should have. I quit a couple times, but never for long. It ruined so much for me. I had to hide it from people because I was ashamed. I couldn't really enjoy anything because I needed to leave after an hour and smoke. It was actually giving me heart flutters, which was scary. The two worst things about it, was my children watching me smoke, and that I felt like it was keeping me from God. No matter how much I read my bible, prayed, or went to church, I always felt like God was out of my reach because of this sin that I held onto. And still I thought I enjoyed it!
One day I was feeling particularly bad about my smoking, not knowing what else to do, I started scouring the internet for ways to quit. I tried switching to vaping, didn't work. I tried cold turkey, definitely didn't work. On that day, I instantly came across a book. I had never heard of it, but it was called the easy way to stop smoking, by Allen Carr. It was about eleven bucks on amazon, which I wasn't willing to pay. I rented it from the local library instead. And read it in about 3 hours. Now, the point of this book, is to give you truth about smoking. You can smoke while you read it, and at the end, you smoke your last cigarette. Which I did. Until the morning. Then I smoked another cigarette. I still remember driving down the road in the rain, with my window down, cigarette in my hand, and tears down my face. I called their help line. The lady laughed at me when I told her I'd read the book in 3 hours. She said I needed to read it slower. Let it sink in. Okay lady. I hung up the phone and finished my cigarette. I decided I'd read the book again. After all, what did I have to lose? About two days later, I was at a funeral home to say goodbye to a very sweet guy. I'm not real clear on the details. Just know he went into cardiac arrest. What I do know is that he was my age, and a smoker. I smoked as I left the funeral home. I went home. I prayed about reading the book again. Please God, let it work this time. Free me from this. I can't do it. YOU can. I went and took a nap. When I woke up, something strange happened. I didn't pick up a cigarette. What's more, it didn't kill me to NOT pick up the cigarette. How weird of a feeling is this?! The rest of the day, I was amazed at how little I wanted to smoke. The next day was the same. I barely thought about it. I was getting excited now! I never made it this far! On day three, something happened. I can't remember now what, but I wanted a cigarette at some point during the day. I just went into my room, turned the lights off. Prayed, and stayed there for about five minutes. When I walked back out of the bedroom, that was it. I never felt another urge. I went to work without having to take my cigarettes. If you're a smoker, you know this is the scariest thing, to leave the house with no cigarettes. I did it, and when I came home to where the cigarettes were waiting for me, I didn't even say hello. It's been months now, and I can't believe that God freed me from that sin. And he used my love of reading to do it. It's still a miracle. I smoked for 17 years. That's more than half my life.
The two things I really thought I enjoyed, were actually keeping me from God. Now that I have escaped them, I see them clearly. On the days I'm feeling unsure of what God is doing in my life, I think back to cigarettes and murder, and smile.
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